


The Snakehole Dilemma

by opti



Series: The NOLY Outtakes [9]
Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Biting, Blood, Bloodplay, Dirty Talk, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Face Slapping, Hair-pulling, Public Hand Jobs, Public Sex, Roleplay, Rough Sex, Sexual Roleplay, Slapping, Smut, Wall Sex, the blood tags are mostly just for warnings, the bloodplay isn't really bp tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 12:43:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3068357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opti/pseuds/opti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An "investigation" goes wrong and the best damn agent the FBI ever had has to resort to harsh measures to get what he wants out of this mysterious Ms. Snakehole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Snakehole Dilemma

**Author's Note:**

> Anonymously requested on [tumblr](http://anotheropti.tumblr.com/ask); based on [this outtake](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLfWKevNpvU) from "The Fight" and I got way out of control. A few lines are lifted directly from the episode because I'm extremely lazy.
> 
> Enjoy?

To Burt Macklin there wasn't anything better than an unsolved case. It meant proving himself as the greatest agent in the FBI over and over again, and if anything he was always up for a new challenge. In this case, there was the striking woman in all black cradling a wine glass in one hand. Any other night he'd have called her April, but for now she was Janet. Janet Snakehole, a very rich widow with a terrible secret.

The night was looking simple enough. Interrogation after a night of heavy drinking wasn't always so bad, and if there was anything Macklin was good at it was pulling the truth from someone. They never fought back, but little did he know this suspect was more than capable of withstanding his usual methods. 

 

* * *

 

The thumping bass did little to impress April - Janet - but it did lend a sense of isolation despite all the people swarming around her for the delicious Snakejuice. Even with all the people around her that she usually wanted nothing to do with, Janet could stalk the tall, grizzled looking man in a windbreaker without anyone noticing her. Andy, or the  _mystery man_ once Janet shook herself free, combed his hair back and stood around with an oblivious face on.

When she walked up to him and introduced herself, she couldn't help but break character and smile every once and a while. But no, Janet Snakehole the widow never smiled. 

"I thought your costume would maybe be a little sluttier," Burt leaned down and whispered to her. 

Janet reacted the only way she would, with an immediate slap across his idiotic, handsome face. 

"How dare you!" she yelled, turning to run from him. 

She wouldn't let him talk to her like that. Janet Snakehole held very prestigious places in society and some lowly, sexy ex-FBI agent wasn't going to suggest she be  _sluttier_. Besides, Andy - Burt! - just smiled when she smacked him. Ignoring what that might mean, she sped off in the opposite direction while slamming through and between several different couples. 

The night was young, they were starting to drink some of that abysmal Snakejuice, and the prospects of the night were looking very, very good. 

 

* * *

 

Nodding his head in a corner, Andy started to lose interest in his character. Burt Macklin was always fun, but after a little while of chasing April in her too-long dress and that stupid hat he just wanted to sit down. Being in a nightclub made that sort of hard so all he had left to do was stand there and wait for her to eventually find him.

Thing was, he couldn't stand out facing people because of that silly little slap April gave him. When she finally found him, facing the wrong way, she turned him around and asked what he was doing. 

"Macklin, we meet again," April/Janet said, biting the cigarette holder and leering at him.

"H-Hello," he tried to put on the voice again but he was busy staring at April. "Ms. Snakehole, still looking... good, I see."

"You wanted sluttier, you say?" she shouted over the music, April's hand running over her shoulder. "Is this how you interrogate all your suspects?"

"Only the most devious," he explained, moving a little closer to her.

"Jesus, Andy," she looked down for a second and obviously noticed his problem - completely stiff in the middle of the nightclub just from the reverberations of the slap to the face. "I mean, Macklin you sure know how to get a girl to talk."

"You, uh... y'know, you slapped me," Andy nodded and pushed himself closer to her, his shaft pushed up into his waistband to stop any serious showing. "That was super hot."

"Really? I mean...  _really_?" April squinted and then resumed a lax stance despite Andy being pressed up into her thigh. 

"But this is my investigation, so I have soldier on-"

Andy started to lower his head and meant to take out the sunglasses in his back pocket but was met with the soft hand of April smacking him across the cheek yet again. Her face teetered on a smile and Andy was staring at her, his hands stilled at his sides. Macklin was tough, he could handle anything that was thrown at him he thought, but this one - black hair, dimples, and legs that made his mind do backflips - was proving too much.

Burt Macklin may have met his match, and she knew exactly what buttons to push. Or hit, as the case may be. She definitely slapped him again, this time with the back of her hand across his other cheek and the pain of her knuckles ringing against his cheekbone was just as thrilling the second time. If anything, he was somehow  _harder_ from that.

"My my, how the tables have turned," Janet, or April or whatever, said slyly and moved her free hand down to where he connected with her thigh. 

"No... they have yet to be tabled," Andy tried to say but he could only focus on April's hand moving in strokes along him as people bounced around and alongside them. "Or turned, or jerked, or something."

If anyone saw what they were doing neither of them would have noticed. April kept darting her eyes down to stare at him bulging through the pants as her hand worked him over the fabric and Andy couldn't keep his eyes off of April. Or Janet. He was starting to get really confused about who was threatening him with a hand job in a public nightclub. To be fair he was confused about a lot of things though. 

April put two fingers over the edge of his pants and Andy nearly buckled into a pile of weak knees right then, but Burt Macklin had no weaknesses. He couldn't be defeated. Then again, April's entire hand was encircling his head and stroking down, dryly, across all of him until Andy nearly came all over Janet's perfectly manicured hands. 

"You... you, you gotta stop babe," Andy moaned, leaning back into the wall and not caring that nails were digging into him and she only got rougher on his dick.

"Babe, eh? I already got you  _beat_ you could say," April said with a half-smile through his groans. "A regular 'ole beat-off-"

"Seriously, babe - err, Janet, stop!" Andy pushed forward, April's hand sliding all over him before she snapped out of his pants. "You're dealing with the wrong guy."

"Maybe I am, Mr.  _Macklin_ ," April intoned and gave him another, more delicate smack on his cheek before smiling and turning away.

Andy only meant to turn her around and keep up with the character, but he spun April around by her shoulder a little too hard and she nearly stumbled over. Completely taken aback by his sudden move, Andy assumed he was going to get yelled at or - maybe, if he was lucky - another delightfully painful red mark put on his face. Instead April stared at him hungrily, his hand still roughly gripping her shoulder before he pulled away like his fingers stung. His grip was way, way too hard and he didn't like how it necessarily felt to handle her small frame like that.

She crossed the distance between them and Janet seemed to melt away because only April Ludgate was allowed to kiss him like this, her teeth finding his lips and attacking him with a growl. Grabbing her waist in response, Andy leaned into her harder - and literally, harder and harder from the contact and what felt a little like blood - and bit back in response. 

"Mrff!" she grunted into his mouth, a mixture of tongues and teeth catching her interest.

Andy laughed lightly, his hands riding up to her ass and squeezing hard until she chuckled again. One of her legs kept trying to hike up on his, demanding him immediately in the nightclub. Andy, or Burt it was sort of unclear to him who she wanted, was definitely more than ready to clear off a table and let everyone see them if need be. 

Moments after their lips disconnected battered and swollen, a little red streak across Andy's that he couldn't tell if it was lipstick or not, April huffed out a few heavy breaths and her eyes were as misted with desire as he might have ever seen. Either way, Andy was focusing way too hard on the hem of the dress and ripping it apart for her legs; the curve of her smaller, perfect breasts just staring him in the face.

"You wanna...?" she trailed off, breaking character and not caring for the first time that night.

"Janet, you just don't get it do you?" Andy finally pulled out the sunglasses, nearly blind in the nightclub. "You can't beat me."

"No, but I can beat you off," April replied with what looked like a small smile.

She grabbed his wrist and forced him to follow a few more steps until they were in a hallway leading towards the bathrooms. It was all grimy, driving music soaking through the atmosphere of Andy's metallic taste and total inability to tell April no. He wasn't that crazy, especially when she pushed him up against a wall and started kissing him all over again. Her nails dug into his cheeks for a moment before cradling his scruff, April's hands moving down his chest and ignoring everyone walking past them.

The hallway was cleared save for occasional passersby, but neither of them seemed to care at all. Red lights cascaded over their bodies and April's skin looked as red as the smears across both of their lips. Furious kisses and nonsensical sounds of partying around them changed shape until April was close up on his body and moving like all she wanted was a few moments of him. He slipped out of the pants quickly, Andy's cock pushing into her dress and against underwear and skin until April gave a murky laugh.

The nails returned to his neck and his shoulders, and Andy can only moan in pleasure. He would have been all right with her hands but April kept digging into the skin by his neck until it felt like she was breaking through. Grunting, Andy did the first thing his body told him to and twisted them around, shoving April into the wall behind her. She just grinned and clamped her mouth on his neck, sucking in erratic patterns until she opened up and bit down on him hard. 

"Fuck," Andy moaned loudly, April's teeth digging deep into the shallow bit of shoulder by his collarbone. "You're an unruly suspect, Ms. Snakehole."

"You should show me what you do to suspects like me," April responded with a low drawl, her hat fallen by the wayside and letting her hair loose. 

"I want to, so bad, but you haven't given me enough reason..." he trailed with another smile.

April was kissing towards his shoulder proper then and stopped with those words, moving her lips around him until teeth grazed him lightly. He was busy pushing up into the crease of her thighs through his pants, the sweltering heat around his head unbearable and impossible to ignore. He was going to fuck his wife, in a nightclub up against a wall, until her screams mounted well over the music pounding around them.

And, y'know what, Andy gave up caring about the Burt Macklin character then. The only thing that mattered was April caressing his shoulder with sharp tips of her teeth until she bit down once again with a muffled moan. Andy's arms shook in response, trying to ignore the actual pain there for the sensation of April grinding and bucking against him so hard he was going to come down the front of her dress. Thinking about it, April walking proudly back onto the dance floor with stains across her thighs, made him groan through the pulsating beat.

"You ever been arrested before, Ms. Snakehole?" Andy asked before kissing her on the lips, a little softly, and then letting her answer.

"Just once... for a crime I didn't commit," she raised an eyebrow and never let her eyes off of him. "Why?"

"I think you know what you're supposed to do - put your hands on the wall," he nodded behind her and April's devilish grin followed by a light twirl was too perfect.

She swished over him, freely in the air of the dark club hallway illuminated only by brazen red, and let his cock drag across her hip through a dress until she was facing the wall. April looked over her shoulder at him, placing hands on the wall and pushing further back into him. 

"Is this right?" she asked, rolling around and letting the valley between two amazing bits of flesh drive Andy into a frenzy.

"Almost," he growled, pushing into her until his chest was flush with her back and his hands felt around for a zipper or buttons. 

She moved deftly behind her and soon she was half open in the air, talking and music melting over everything, with Andy backing up and lowering himself a bit so that he could push into her from behind. His head felt for the sopping wet folds, immediately ready and letting out a soft moan, before he pushed them aside and swirled a little. Andy let his hand crawl up her back until he was pushing her into the wall a little forcefully as he pushed inside.

The sounds of instant approval as he pumped once, twice, were met with a moving hand until Andy didn't realize he was gripping the back of her head. Pulling backward by the free hair, every strand perfect and amazing just like all of April, he gripped her and took her mouth for his with a quick series of thrusts. Each one sent a rattling moan through his body and her mouth, April responding in kind and fluttering herself backwards to meet him halfway.

He let her yell freely into the dark wall, her stuttering yelps of pleasure with each second of pounding echoing seemingly everywhere, before grabbing her mouth and letting her scream into his hand. Andy's hand fell to her neck not long after, holding her lightly but proving that he did have a handhold around her as he left her pussy no moment to breathe through the increasingly aggressive thrusts. 

"Is this... fuck, is this how you treat all your; all the criminals," April turned her head and looked at him, her words drained of any finesse. 

"Only the ones that deserve it," he responded, trying not to think about how stupid that sounded. 

April's body fell to a stop, no more meeting halfway, while she breathed hard and let out a piercing moan to match his movements. Feeling April come around him and everything that meant, her arms shaky and her breaths ragged with each pulse of muscles folding around every inch of his dick, always made Andy smile and chuckle to himself. Partly because he _just made April come_ and that was maybe the coolest thing he'd ever do in his life.

He loved his wife for a lot of reasons, but her body was never in contention. Thinking of that, his hand around her neck and the other on her hips, Andy wanted so badly to peel the dress down to her waist and take all of her. She seemed so intent on him keeping the grip though.

All it did was make Andy go faster, think about coming so incredibly hard in April and watching it trickle down her legs as she breathed out the comedown, and forget that they were anywhere in public when April moved one hand to pull him closer to her.

"Fuck me until I'm raw, Macklin," April hissed at him through clenched teeth.

He kissed her neck roughly, dragging teeth and lips across her, before he moved up to her earlobe and nibbled there. April whispered something in fast succession, something in Spanish too, and gave a harsh sound when he bit even harder. He didn't draw blood, but his teeth left indents there and she just kept making those beautiful noises.

"Is that how Snakehole wants it, huh?" Andy said, trying to figure out why he was so incredibly turned on by how harsh they were being to each other.

"I wanna feel you run down my legs," she moaned, nearly reading his mind and keeping the frenetic pace. "I wanna feel you fuck me until you can't stand."

"You want it like this?" Andy shifted a bit lower, giving her a more vertical pump and feeling the edge of her lips wrap around him over and over again with each angular drive. 

More adjacent thrusts, short and incredible, followed April moving his hand back to her throat and pushing him into her neck. She grunted again and Andy could feel every inch of her relax before tightening incredibly quickly in a rush of breaths once more. Amazingly enough, he was only just at the edge and let himself go when April backed herself up so hard on his dick that he sheathed himself in her as deep as he could.

Andy pushed a little forward, his chin digging into April's shoulder and forcing her cheek into the wall a little bit as he came harder than maybe ever. April struggled to come up with anything to say while he was still inside, letting drop after drop empty out of him until nothing felt right anymore except for gentler pumps while he continued to come. 

Staggering back an inch, their bodies still connected, Andy slid out with a satisfyingly slick flash of flesh together. April turned around, her back against the wall with red cheeks and a face so heavy with ecstasy that Andy didn't regret any of the rougher moments. Even if April still had a streak of red running down her chin, he knew something was right because she kept looking up at the ceiling and blinking. Had either of them actually smoked this was the part in the movie where April emptied a carton of cigarettes and Andy fell asleep.

They were both completely gone, Andy's legs a little wobbly and unfeeling with April moving her thighs back and forth until she let a hand fall to where her dress fell and ripped a bit. Who would have guessed this stupid party - or whatever it was supposed to be - for Tom's weird drink would result in some of the best sex of their lives together. April never ceased to amaze Andy, and the way she looked back down to him and still had that incredible hunger pasted all over her face gave him another pleasant twinge. 

Things never got  _that_ rough between them. The hardest they ever got was a little light spanking and some rough kissing, but they both drew the other's  _blood_ and neither of them complained. They both took the other's body and turned it into a personal plaything for a little while.

"Fuck," she chuckled. "Fuck.  _Fuck_."

"Too much?" Andy asked tentatively, moving closer and kissing her lips lightly. 

"Hell no," she said, dragging out the curse until she sounded like a broken record. "Andy, you... that was-" _  
_

"Good?" Andy tried with a smile.

"Incredible," she murmured, her arms wrapping around his neck.

 

* * *

 

The hat was retrieved and Janet resumed her role. Biting down on the cigarette holder, Janet scanned the scene around her for anyone that noticed. If anyone actually saw the two of them piled up against the wall and making noises like two wild animals they didn't say anything to her. That was just fine because she had a secret motive to keep. She didn't reveal  _anything_ to Macklin, that sexy dolt who happened to be an incredible fuck, so she could leave.

Burt never saw her again that night, walking around the nightclub with the hopes of getting his hands on her once more. Andy did see April and they gave each other winks when they met outside the nightclub and let Donna call a cab for them. The two of them didn't let the driver forget that night either, their hands unable to stay to themselves and April moaning loudly more than once in the back.

All in all, the investigation at the Snakehole Lounge proved to be a success. No arrests, but between Andy and April the chase was far better than the catch.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are a special kind of almost magical comfort food. Except you don't eat them, but hey I don't know what you do with your time.


End file.
